Sitting at the dining room table, laptop open in front of me, our couples therapy Zoom session in progress, it happened.
I tuned out to what was being said by my husband in South Africa and our therapist as this strong sense of knowing grew within me.
I suddenly felt heavier, as if I was being pulled down towards the earth and my heart was a heavy lump in my chest. I fell silent. My thoughts were still and calm. I knew. "Knowing" flooded through me.
Nothing was going to change and this was my situation. This person that I loved was not in alignment with who I was and what I needed in relationship. No amount of talking was going to change the fact that this was not right for either of us. After seven years of knowing that something "wasn't quite right", I finally accepted it. More than that, I SURRENDERED to it.
I have since realized that (like so many of us do) I had chosen someone that simply wasn't aligned with my values and with me as a person. Right from the beginning it was doomed to fail. I had chosen someone and fallen for them not with a sense of discernment and checking in with my core values and needs in a relationship, but from a place of wanting to be loved and cared for.
All through our relationship any time some difficulty came up I fought it. I came up with solutions and remedies, I made huge compromises and put myself second, all in the name of "making it work." I continuously fought my knowing and intuition that I was in a relationship that wasn't right for me. I squashed it. I pretended I didn't hear it. I resisted it. I turned away from my own voice.
That day at the dining room table I decided not to fight anymore, but to simply accept my situation. I didn't give up, I set us both free.
I've learned from my spiritual teachers, ( who are everywhere at all times ) that you cannot begin to move forward in a situation unless you can first accept it for what it is. The more you fight and struggle and don't accept it, the heavier it will become until it stops you dead in your tracks like cement shoes and takes over your life. My father who has never accepted my Mothers divorce from him is a prime example of this. He has never healed, is frail and constantly ill, and has never moved on emotionally or spiritually. He is physically, mentally and emotionally trapped in the cage of his unwillingness to simply accept and LET GO. All the while he is painfully unaware that he has the power to unlock his cage and set himself free.
This acceptance stuff is NOT easy. Each persons story is multi layered and multi dimensional and things get complicated. Attachments take hold, we fall in love. It took me a long time to get to this point and I have felt some shame at staying in a relationship that is so unhealthy for so long. I have momentarily beaten myself up, felt embarrassment, guilt. But therein self loathing lies. Instead, I have chosen to heal and learn from it. I have chosen to move forward.
I love that we all have the capacity to constantly learn and grow, every single moment we are here on this earth, should we choose to. It continues to fill me with a deep sense of awe and gratitude. As we learn we grow, we evolve, we can begin to walk forward, one gentle step at a time.
Here are a few things I know to be true for me:
I know that the universe had a role in me choosing my husband to learn these lessons, to make these mistakes, to enable me to grow.
I know that I am a very different person now, to when we first met, and in another ten years I will be different again.
I know that my husband has been one of the greatest teachers in my life so far, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I know that if we ignore our own intuition, we do so at our peril
I know that our souls and teachers speak to us daily, with so much guidance should we choose to listen.
I know that listening to "the whispers" of your soul will change your life.
Every day, I work hard to keep my eyes, ears and heart open to whatever guidance there is for me, from my soul, my teachers and from the universe. I work hard to be aware, and to listen and tune in. This is a daily practice.
I am sure I will make mistakes often, and I will fuck up. But in future if I find myself choosing to fight, I will ask myself instead, if I should simply choose to accept "What is" and begin to carve myself a bright new path forwards into the light.
With so much love and light to you my friend,
Helen x